


It’s only a matter of time before I break

by Poncho_muskrat



Category: Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, I’ve hurt my son, Peter Needs a Hug, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, so does tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 07:18:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16132352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poncho_muskrat/pseuds/Poncho_muskrat
Summary: They sat in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the peace, until Peter broke it.“Have you ever thought about flying really high and just falling?” Peter asked quietly. Tony seemed confused by the question.“Care to elaborate?”“Not using your superpowers to save you, and just dropping?”“.....that’s suicide, kid.” Tony said like he was talking to a five year old.“I know.”~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Peter has a hard time coping with the weight of the world on his shoulders~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





	1. I need help

**Author's Note:**

> Please read tags before reading! Could be triggering!

Peter didn’t know exactly when things had changed, it seemed like everything was always the same for him these days. 

Flash still bullied him at school, which wasn’t much of a surprise, and peter couldn’t do much about that. He couldn’t hit him back without the risk of severely hurting him because of his superpowers, so that was a problem. He hated just standing there like an idiot while other kids watched him get punched. 

Things have been awkward with Ned and MJ, they’re pulling away from him more. Peter can’t blame them, he’d noticed people start to make fun of them too, that was probably because they hung out with him. Who likes Penis Parker anyway?

He’d never felt so useless in his life, he thought Mr. Starks internship would have changed things, but he still hadn’t done much. Mr. Stark seemed hesitant on what to do with him after the vulture incident, peter assumed he didn’t care for him anymore. 

Things had been getting harder to cope with now, homework that used to be an easy thing to get done was now a struggle that kept him up at night. He couldn’t focus and his grades were dropping, he knew aunt may was mad at him but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

His teachers were getting mad at him, saying he needed to get his grades up or he wouldn’t get into the colleges he’d dreamed of when he was little, and did Peter dream. His dad used to have a book full of colleges and things you could do there, peter had picked out his favorite, and his dad said if he worked hard enough he could go there. Sadly, peter couldn’t remember the name of the college because the book had disappeared along with his dad. 

But college wasn’t something peter thought about anymore, really just his future in general, it didn’t seem important to him. 

His main goal was to get through high school, but clearly that wasn’t happening anymore. 

He had just woken up from a nightmare, he had them almost every night, it had been about vulture and how he threw a building on top of him. 

Peter had thought he was gonna die, he wasn’t wearing his suit and he had little hope left, but he had made it out alive, even if a little part of him died that night. 

Some nights he wished he had never became Spider-Man in the first place, sure it was amazing, but he was so scared of everything now. He was frightened for his friends and aunt may, because if someone found out he was Spider-Man, they could get hurt, and that’s the last thing he wanted. 

Peter ran his hands through his sweaty bangs, now curly at the tips from being wet. He felt tears come to his eyes as he remembered his mother loved his curly hair. 

“My beautiful baby and his curly hair” she would praise. His tears fell and he held back a sob. 

If he had only known his life would be so fucked up, he wouldn’t killed himself long ago. 

He couldn’t be too loud, aunt may would hear and get worried, and he couldn’t let her worry even more than he had already made her. 

He barely registered walking to the bathroom but all of a sudden he’s behind a locked door and taking the blade out of his razor. 

Peter sat on the side of the bathtub and rolled up his sleeve, looking at the cuts from the other night that hadn’t healed all the way yet, even with his super healing. 

The cutting started a couple weeks back, it had been a particularly hard day for him, flash had gotten everyone in the cafeteria to laugh at him for tripping. He told himself it was stupid when he had taken a shower that night, but he still couldn’t resist looking up at the razor on the ledge. 

Peter winced slightly as he cut deeper, but never too deep that he needed medical assistance, he was careful about that. 

After eight cuts he stopped when he heard May’s door open. 

“Peter?” She knocked on the bathroom door and peter froze, but quickly recovered and put the blade back in the razor. “Are you okay in there?” She asked. 

“I-uh yea! Just......you know......going to the bathroom.” He said awkwardly, hoping his voice sounded normal. He heard her sigh. 

“Alright, go back to bed soon, you have school in the morning.” She walked back to her room and peter let himself relax. He quickly washed and bandaged his arm so there wasn’t a mess. 

When he knew he and the bathroom were clean he went back to bed and fell asleep once his head hit the pillow. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Peter woke up to the blaring of his alarm early the next morning. 

The smell of bacon made him slightly nauseous, he sighed and got up, knowing it wouldn’t be a good morning. He changed into some fresh clothes and grabbed his backpack, walking into the kitchen where May was cooking. 

“Hey Pete, make sure to get some breakfast before you go.” May reminded. Peter nodded and sat down, taking a couple pieces of bacon and a waffle. 

He ate in silence, which was strange to her, since he was always talking his ass off about some sciencey thing, but lately this was common. 

“Are you tired from being up late last night?” She asked, trying to get a conversation going. Peter just nodded and took a bite of waffle. “I thought I heard someone, it was almost three am I thought someone broke in.” She gave a laugh, but he ignored her. She sighed and pat his shoulder. “Make sure you don’t miss the subway.” 

She left the kitchen, making peter feel slightly guilty, he should have talked with her at least. 

When he was done he washed his plate and brushed his teeth, getting on his backpack and sighing. He saw May in her room, now in her work clothes, he went in and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She looked sort of shocked yet delighted at the same time. 

“Gotta go before I miss the train.” Peter quickly exited the room and walked down the hall. 

“Love you!” She called. She heard a quick I love you back before the front door shut. She sighed and smiled. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The subway ride wasn’t too long, maybe seven minutes and then another two to walk the rest of the way. 

Peter got to his class right before the bell rang, like usual, and felt a hollow feeling in his chest. 

So much had changed in the past few months. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lunch was chaotic as always. He sat with Ned and MJ at their table. It was quiet that day, Peter knew the other two were glancing weirdly at him. 

He didn’t like the awkward attention on him so he left when he finished his lunch. 

After seventh period was over he went to his locker to get his math book so he could work on homework, when flash came over. 

“Hey Parker!” He yelled. Peter didn’t even flinch, he just grabbed his book and put it in his backpack. 

“Not today flash.” Peter mumbled. Flash seemed hesitant after hearing the other boys voice, he sounded sad. 

“Hey, i’m talking to you.” Flash grabbed his shoulder and Peter broke, grabbing flash’s wrist and shoving him into the locker. 

“And I said i’m not in the mood.” He growled. Kids walking by stopped to watch. Flash out his free hand up in defense. 

“Hey, i’m not here to start a fight.” He said. “I just wanted to talk.”

“Then talk.” Peter said. 

“I know I’ve been giving you crap-“

Peter scoffed and flash sighed. 

“And I just wanted to know if you really did know Tony Stark.” 

Peter narrowed his eyes. 

“That’s what this is about?” Peter growled. “You just want to know if i’m a liar or not?” Peter let him go and walked away. 

“Hey wait!” Flash called, peter turned around and glared. 

“I said i’m not in the fucking mood!” He yelled. The students stood in shook, Flash just blinked at him. Peter readjusted his backpack and left the building before anything else could happen. 

The subway home was way too short, he didn’t want to be home at the moment. 

May was still at work when he got back, he immediately started on homework so he wouldn’t have to do it later and end up not doing it at all. 

He worked until May got home, she found him sleeping on his bed surrounded by books, it looked like he was studying. She put the books on the ground and tucked him under the covers, kissing him goodnight. 

“I love you, peter.” She whispered, and left the room. Peter cried after he heard the door click. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Is it true you punched Flash?” Ned asked the next day. 

“What? No.” Peter took a bite out of his sandwich. The day had been going horribly, everybody was staring at him like he had done something terrible, which he hadn’t. 

“That’s what people are saying.” Ned shrugged. 

“What did you do?” MJ asked. Peter shrugged. “Because Everybody is staring at you.” Peter looked around to see the other students glancing his way and whispering about him. 

“I just got mad at Flash, don’t worry about it.” He said. 

“Great, now we get extra attention.” MJ picked up her tray and left the table. “Ned and I have a science project to work on.” She said. Ned got up and left with her, leaving peter all alone. 

After a couple of minutes he left to hide in the bathroom, not wanting more people to laugh at him sitting all alone anymore. 

Tears made his way down his face after he knew the bathroom was empty, he quickly wiped them away and took out his phone. He called May and she picked up a second later. 

“Can I go home I don’t feel that good?” Peter asked. 

“Yea sure, I’ll call the office to get you excused.” She said. 

“Thanks.” 

“Just make sure you get some rest, I can’t come pick you up but maybe you could get happy to pick you up if you feel too sick to walk.” She suggested. 

“No that’s alright, I wouldn’t want to bother him.” Peter said awkwardly. 

“....okay, well make sure you sleep, and get your missing assignments.” 

“Okay.”

“I love you.”

“Love you too.” 

He hung up the phone and made sure his face was washed before went back outside and left the school. 

That night he stayed up, not being able to fall asleep. He stared blankly at the ceiling, he felt numb as he glanced from glow Star to glow Star. 

Aunt may had put them up when he was little, he used to be so fascinated by stars. Science made him so happy, now it felt like it was just another thing. 

He stared out his window, he could see the top of the train tracks above, it seemed peaceful out tonight. 

Before he even realized what he was doing, he put on his suit and left through his window. 

Ever since he had gotten bit he had gone to one building where he liked to hang out. He would lay on the roof and watch the stars or people passing by. 

He would go there to calm his mind after a difficult mission or hard day, like he was now. 

It didn’t take long to get there, it was only a block away. He sat on the ledge and tried to calm his breathing, putting a hand on his chest, he was hyperventilating. 

“Peter, it seems you are distressed.” Karen noticed. 

“K-Karen, what’s h-happening?” He asked between breaths. 

“According to yours vitals, a panic attack. Should I contact Mr. Stark?” She asked. Peter shook his head. 

“N-No, I don’t want to b-bother him.” 

“Peter, I advise you to call.” She insists. Peter gave in and let her. It rings for a while before peter finally hears his voicemail, he visibly deflates. 

“He doesn’t even care, he doesn’t care about me.” 

“He cares very much.” She said, peter doesn’t care though, they both sit in silence for many minutes until her voice interrupts again. 

“Incoming call from Mr. Stark.” She said. 

“Decline it.” Peter said. 

“I’m afraid protocol doesn’t allow me to do that, Peter.” She connected the call and Peter focused on sounding decent. 

“Peter, what are you doing out at this time?” Tony asked. 

“Just patrol.” Peter said slowly. 

“Bullshit, superhero’s don’t get up in the middle of the night to go on patrol.” He sounded tired, like he’s been up but had been working on something. 

“Fine, I just came to c-clear my mind.” Peter took in a big gulp of air to calm himself but he could still feel his heart pounding in his chest, despite getting his breathing under control. 

“You alright, kid?” 

“I’m great.” Peter said, scolding himself for sounding for sarcastic.

“You don’t sound great, talk to me kid, what’s going on? Girl troubles? ‘Cuz you and me both.” Tony joked, receiving no laugh in return. They sat in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the peace, until Peter broke it. 

“Have you ever thought about flying really high and just falling?” Peter asked quietly. Tony seemed confused by the question. 

“Care to elaborate?” 

“Not using your superpowers to save you, and just dropping?” 

“.....that’s suicide, kid.” Tony said like he was talking to a five year old. 

“I know.” 

“Peter, have you thought about that?” Tony asked, trying not to let the Young boy hear the nervousness in his voice. 

“Not that in particular.” 

“But you have?” 

“Mr. Stark the ground looks really tempting right now.” 

Tony sat up straighter in his seat, already tracking Peters location. 

“Peter, where are you?” He asked. 

“Maybe where I should’ve been all along, on the edge of a building.” Peter could hear wind going through the phone, but he ignored it. “It seems like everything is going to shit right now.” He let out a broken chuckle. “It was a matter of time before I broke.” 

Peter stands up on the ledge, looking down at the empty street, 40 feet in the air. 

“I’m sorry I’m a disappointment, Mr. Stark.” 

“You’re not.” Tony flew faster. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for you, for May, uncle Ben, my parents. I wish I could’ve done better.” 

“You’re not thinking straight.” 

“Just.....remember me when i’m gone?” Peter asked. “Please?” Tony didn’t answer, peter let a tear drop from his eye, taking the silence as rejection. “I’m sorry.” He said before stepping off and letting his body drop down down down.......

Instead of hitting the hard cement he was lifted upwards by a cool metal. More tears slipped from his eyes, he was glad his mask was on, or he’d look like a mess. 

Tony brought him back to the tower where he could check for injuries. Peter sat on the examination table, staring at his lap in shame. 

“Peter, can you look at me?” Tony asked softly. Peter slowly looked up, and tony took off his mask. Peters hair was fluffed up, his cheeks were wet and his eyes were red from tears. He looked so broken, staring blankly into Tony’s eyes. “Are you hurt anywhere?” He asked. 

He received no answer, which wasn’t very surprising, but it meant he had to check Peters whole body himself. He took off Peters suit carefully, making sure not to be to harsh and the boy was left staring at the ground in his boxers, cuts and scars out on display. 

“Oh Peter....” Tony whispered. “You should’ve told somebody.” 

“I didn’t want to be a burden.” 

“You’re not a burden, Peter. You have people who care about you and your safety, never even think the people who love you wouldn’t do anything they can to protect you.” 

Tony started cleaning the wounds carefully, making sure not to hurt the boy too much. 

“Why?” He asked. 

“It feels like I have the weight of the world against my shoulders, it was too much.” Peter explained. “I’m getting bullied, I don’t want to disappoint May, she’s been through so much you know?” 

“So have you.” Tony reminded. “Your health matters too.”

“I already take up too much space, whenever I eat food that’s another shift for her to work, she does my laundry always comforts me, and what am I doing for her?” 

“You’re being you. Peter what would she do without you, what would anyone do without you. You’re important to us, all of us, and we want to help you get better.” 

“I don’t want to be a b-“

“No, you won’t be, we love you, and we want to help you get better.” 

Tony handed him a Stark Enterprise sweatshirt and waited for him to put it on, before hugging him tightly to his chest. Peter sighed at the touch and leaned closer, craving the warmth. 

“I love you, Peter, you’re like a son to me.” 

Before he knew it he felt a wet mark form on his shirt, looking down he saw Peter’s teary eyes. 

“I l-love you too.” The young boy cried. 

“Never think you’re less then anyone else.” 

Peter nodded and held on tighter, Tony would protect this boy no matter what, he couldn’t risk losing him. 

Peter knew with Mr. Stark’s help he could get better, he’d still have bad days, but with his and May’s help he could get through the day just fine.


	2. EPILOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just edited, I added MJ and Ned’s reaction in the beginning I hope you enjoy!

Going back to school was awkward, teachers and acquaintances greeted him after the long week he was out. Some people asked if he had gone on vacation or if he was sick, Peter told them he went on a trip. 

He had been staying at the tower the whole time, except after Tony had called May and she forced him to come home, that had been a long day of crying for the both of them. 

Peter had been nervous about seeing Ned and MJ again, last time he did see them they had left him at that table. 

Peter walked up to their usual spot during lunch and saw them quietly talking, when they saw him they both jumped up and Ned wrapped him in a big hug while MJ patted his head. 

“Where have you been?!” Ned asked, causing some people to look over. 

“I’ve been staying with Mr. Stark for the past week.” Peter said. 

“Why?” MJ asked in confusion. “Not like I care or anything.” 

Peter knew she meant well and ignored the last comment. 

“Want to go find somewhere quiet so I can explain?” He asked. The other two nodded and went out by the bleachers where nobody would bother them. 

“We’ve really missed you, we both have, even though MJ won’t admit it.” Ned said, making MJ shrug. “So why have you been gone for so long? Spider-Man stuff?”

“No, not really.” Peter said, not looking at them in their eyes. “Things have just been really hard for me lately, and I.......” He paused. They looked at him expectingly. “I jumped off a building.” 

“Don’t you do that all the time?” MJ asked in confusion. 

“Yea, except usually I don’t plan on not using my webs.” 

“What?” Ned asked in shock. 

“I tried to kill myself.” Peter whispered. “Mr. Stark caught me before I hit the ground, and I’ve been staying with him for the week to recover, and he found out I’d been cutting myself, and he’s been teaching me different coping mechanisms.”

The two stayed silent, peter didn’t know what to expect, but it definitely wasn’t MJ to burst into tears and a fit of sobs. 

“Oh god-i’m sorry.” Peter apologized. She just shook her head and hugged him tightly. 

“We’re sorry for treating you like crap.” Ned said. 

“It’s okay, really, i’m getting help. Mr. Stark is putting me in therapy with the same lady he had help him.” Peter quickly said. He felt MJ nod into his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to make you guys sad.” 

“You’re an idiot for thinking we wouldn’t be sad.” MJ mumbled. 

“She’s right, we’re your best friends and we care about you.” Ned said, pulling both of them into a big hug. Peter rested his head against the other boys shoulder. “We Love you, and we’ll always be there for you when you need it.” Peter nodded. 

“I love you guys.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Peter sat on the table, swinging his feet back and forth as he talked about the field trip he and his classmates had just gone on, Tony nodded every once in a while and smiled at the funny parts. It had been about two months since he’d been back in school and he’d officially stopped thinking about suicide and cutting, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have bad days. Luckily they weren’t nearly as bad as they had been before. 

“And then Flash fell face first into a puddle of mud, best day ever!” Peter threw his hands up in the air. 

“I’m glad you had a good day kid.” Tony smiled and ruffled his hair. He’d noticed ever since the incident that peter loved physical touch, so Tony tried to give it to him whenever he could. 

“I wish all days were like this.” Peter mumbled. 

“Watching Flash fall in a puddle of mud?” Tony asked. 

“No, just talking here with you.” 

“Never think you can’t come over here to just talk, the tower is open for you whenever you want it to be. I don’t care if it’s three in the morning or one in the afternoon, you’re always welcome.” Tony told him, getting a smile in return. “Have you taken your pills yet?” 

“Yea, I took them before I left home.”

“And you told May about your day?” Tony asked. Peter nodded. They’d come up with a system, every Friday peter would go to therapy for an hour to talk about the week and he would take antidepressants once in the morning and once at night. After school every day he would talk to May about his day and feelings, and then usually he would come to the tower to share fun stories and gossip. 

“It’s been a good day then?” Tony asked, just to make sure. Peter nodded again. Tony opened up his arms and brought peter into a tight hug. “I’m glad it wasn’t like the last field trip you went on.” 

“That was a hard day.” Peter recalled. Tony kissed his forehead and rubbed circles on his back. 

“You’re so strong, Peter. You’re the strongest person I know.” Tony whispered into his hair, so glad he had called Peter back that night, if he didn’t, the light would’ve been taken from his eyes. 

“Thank you.” Peter mumbled into his shirt. 

He would be okay.


End file.
